When you're not here

Another birthday has passed without you here and the loudness of your absence hurts my ears.  As we laugh, eat cake and take pictures, I wish you were here holding my baby, making conversation in the kitchen, drinking coffee, reminiscing over our childhood, laughing until we cried.

And I know I'm not alone.  I see it in her eyes as she watches the candles blow out, the strained smile on his face as he hears us sing Happy Birthday, my daughters' hot tears at bedtime, the confusion as my son looks for you to pull in the yard and in the moments when the conversation starts to trail toward you.

You are missed. You are loved. And we are waiting.

Oh we laugh, and how we treasure these precious moments we are gifted but as we celebrate another year with this one we ache for this year with you. I watch the baby toddle across the floor- oh if you could see how she's grown so fast, she's so fun, the oldest crosses her legs and takes command of the living room- she's is growing into such a lady, my son is such a lover and such a clown- will he remember you, the birthday girl has such passion for life if you could feel it- see it on her and our grandparents are sitting on the other side of the room on such borrowed time- can you hear the clock ticking beside them?

But then there is me. Did you know about me?  How I'm changing too. Maybe I've not shared enough, not shown I cared enough, maybe you didn't know how loud your presence was in the room. Tomorrow is Mothers Day but you know in many ways its siblings day, sisters day too. Our hearts think of our Mom, celebrate our Mom, celebrate our childhood- we are linked together. We are Mom's ourselves and our hearts beat, painfully for our children, for our families for our relationships And I hurt like I've lost you and I long for relationship restored. It need not be what it was, it can be different, it can be more. As your heart wanders tomorrow as I know that it will please know...

You are missed. You are loved. And we are waiting.