Sunday, October 25, 2009

I see Jesus

Incomprehensible conception. You CREATED.

Mystifying design of love.

God, I look and I see your awesome extravagance in bursts of sunset painted across the sky.

I breathe in the sweet scent of fresh renewal that comes following the spring rain.

I taste and I savor the explosion of a multitude of flavors.

God, I listen and I hear joyous, medicinal laughter bubbling up from young children’s voices.

I touch and I feel deep comfort in the embrace of a loved one.

And I know that you are God. And I know that you are good.

In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. (Psalm 102:25)

But God, my eyes are not blind, they are raped by slavery and injustice.

The putrid stench of poverty lies decaying in our streets.

Bitter battles rip and tear and destroy nations, families, marriages.

The agonizing cries of children resonate in our cities, our schools, our homes, our churches: lost, damaged, abused.

Empty arms long to be held, to be loved, to be comforted, to be protected: cherished.

And I can not help but ask, where are you God? where IS your good?


They are there: your hands, my hands, our hands

Offering food to the hungry,

Drilling wells for the thirsty

Providing clothes to the exposed,

They are building homes for the destitute

Stitching the wounds of the marred.


But what of their minds they are still distressed,

Their hearts are still fearful,

Their souls are still wounded,

And we are left with our efforts

Broken, weak, and vulnerable.


But I see Jesus

Reaching out HIS calloused hands to heal the sick,

His stable arms leading the blind,

His strength lifting up the crippled.

I see him stoop to bless the children and smile in their faces.

I see his arms stretched wide to embrace this fallen world as he is unjustly dying.

I see his nailed hands.

I see the damage inflicted in his risen flesh radiate hope and confidence

And I CANNOT stand,

I MUST kneel and raise my hands to worship.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners (Isaiah 61:1)

But through my thankful tears, my humble act of worship, one arm is driven to my side.

To my left, to my right, THEY are there and I MUST reach them.

One hand reaching up, one hand reaching out.

To know my Lord, to worship my God, is to defend the poor and needy, the weak, the fatherless, the oppressed.

Where are YOUR hands that heal, lend stability, give strength and lift up?

They are mine, they are yours, they are ours.

WE have been anointed to preach good news to the poor, to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed. (Luke 4:18)

Only then, will we truly see God.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Mathew 25:35-36

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

on motherhood...

never so exhausted, so "stretched"(yes I mean that in several different ways), so forced selfless, so full of love!

Motherhood-wow. This is really one of those things you just can't possibly "get" until you become a Mom yourself. And yes, of course you hear this your whole life, but it really becomes so true after you've been a Mom for little awhile and look back on your life. This isn't a badge of honour statement but just pure truth.

First of all, I am glad I had the privilege to live a little, finish my degrees, figure myself out a bit and get married to an awesome man before I had my girls. I think not only did I grow as a human into a person who had a starting point from which I'd like to raise my children, but I am less likely to resent them from holding me back from becoming some of the things I wanted to be, do or see.

Having said that I can't help but wonder lately if I'd had my daughters when I was younger if I wouldn't be a much better person approaching 30 then I am now.

I have yet to figure out how to "plan"a pregnancy. Both of my girls, although my biggest God given gifts, were not planned, and I could argue, although I won't, not in MY plans at all. I became pregnant for Zoë just as my teaching career was beginning to come together and aspirations for that perfect little home, world travelling adventures and major student loan payments were beginning to take root in my brain and become legitimate possibilities. I was in major shock and thought a lot about HOW or even IF I COULD be a good Mom. I remember staring at my stomach moving and thinking "alien!!"

Even when I became pregnant for Eliya, my second child, I didn't feel like I was ready to be pregnant again or have another child. I was just thinking I might be beginning to get my feet under me with a toddler and the new experiences she brought to my daily life. Although some women seem to embrace pregnancy I think I think too much and I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it and that seems to drive me crazy!

One of my dear friends did ask me when I was freshly pregnant with Eliya and hadn't told a soul yet other than Chad, "why have children? why bring them into this corrupted and hurtful world? Is it purely selfish, for the joy they bring to your life, for carrying on your legacy?" I thought about it a lot and resolved that children are God's hope for the world, they are HIS plan to better the world, they are his precious gift to the world, to the family. I truly believe that my girls will change the world. I felt that this baby I was carrying, that no one even knew of yet, would have this hope within him/herself and would evoke this hope in others...there began the struggle to find a name we liked that meant hope!

Even still the night before I went in to have Eliya I was on the phone with my Mom bawling, like a baby myself, certain I couldn't possibly have any more love in my heart for another baby. I loved Zoë so all inclusively! But I was soon to find out there IS more, there is more love for this one, more, different, amazing love.

As many mothers will tell you, the evening came for each of them when I was rocking them, watching them sleep, overwhelmed with the love welling up inside of me, astounded at the emotion that comes from staring your little one in the face. There aren't words to describe this feeling, although the writer in me has certainly tried of course. The best way I can describe it is that through no act of my own it now feels like my girls hold my heart in their hands. Unintentionally, but willingly my heart beats for them.

My heart hurts like it has never hurt before for them, it fills with immeasurable joy like it has never been filled before, for them. If I had only known, as a young adult, this wordless truth, I would have never questioned my mothers' love for me, I could never have walked away when things were difficult. But alas, we can't live our lives backwards can we? I remember telling my Mom after I'd had Zoë, "If I'd only known Mom, I never would have questioned."

I have been forced into self denial time and time again whether because of sickness, or feedings, falls or even needed hugs and cuddles. I have had to put my own ambitions aside and just sit on the floor and colour. I have felt useless and unproductive as my child rips through the one thing I managed to accomplish that day-folded laundry. I have felt so isolated, day in day out attempting to be housemaid, super mommy and sexy wife. There have been so many times when I have desperately needed a few quiet moments, a bubble bath or a the intangible nap and felt the frustration mounting inside of me as there just wasn't time for me, it has seemed there was no "me".

But I am learning that what makes me a fabulous Mom, isn't my clean floors (get over it folks they're just going to pee on them as soon as you finish scrubbing), or the folded laundry (it will be dirty again by tomorrow), or even baking the most fantastic birthday cake by scratch, it is that they have my heart. That THIS love is theirs, and no one else can give them this.

I have learned, even just two years into being a Mom, about the absolute necessity of touch, for children, for adults and myself. That dancing like a lunatic in the livingroom with your two year old, was in God's ultimate plan. That your child's first smiles will make you believe you can do anything. That the satisfaction of successfully breastfeeding your child and knowing they are getting the best nourishment possible is worth any seeming torture you may have to get through to get there. That your child's first giggles come straight from heaven. That you would walk through fire for them, not by choice but instinct. That rocking a peacefully sleeping baby restores the weary. That little hands caressing your cheek, holding your hand, reaching up for you, ligitimizes your very existence.

I FEEL deeper, love more fully, share joy more willingly, laugh more heartily, am more sensitive and compassionate to others needs. I really VALUE LIFE... and I can't help but wonder if I'd had my babies when I was younger, wouldn't I be a much better person now?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

things are movin' now

well I started my round of shots today to prepare me for my trip to Haiti in January. It is hard to believe that after years of praying and exhausting areas, having no clue what to pursue, where to pursue, endless frustrations, things are finally starting to come together. And yet I have no idea how this trip is going to potentially change my life. What does God have in store for Haiti, for Fredericton, for me?

Monday, October 05, 2009

I'm asking

I have really been impressed lately with a specific prayer for me and my family this coming 2010, it seems confirmation is everywhere. God is good, He has always guided me when I have seriously asked. I'm asking.

Psalms 25:4-5
4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.


Saturday, October 03, 2009

thriving...not just living

written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. it is the most-requeste column I've ever written."

  1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
  2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
  3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
  4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
  5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
  6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
  7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
  8. It's ok to get angry with God. He can take it.
  9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
  12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
  13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
  15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
  16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
  17. Get rid of aything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
  18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
  19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
  21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
  22. Over prepare, the go with the flow.
  23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
  24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
  25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
  26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In 5 years, will this matter?'
  27. Always choose life.
  28. Forgive everyone everything.
  29. What other people think of you is none of your buisness.
  30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
  31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  32. Don't take yourself seriously. No one else does.
  33. Believe in miracles.
  34. God loves you because of who Go is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
  35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
  36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
  37. Your children get only one childhood.
  38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
  39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
  40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
  41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  42. The best is yet to come.
  43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  44. Yield.
  45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.