"You look so beautiful like that"

I've survived the first two morning routines without Chad.  He's in Calgary this week, and it's the first time I've had all 4 kids for a week by myself.  The regular eb and flow of a day I can manage by myself, with God's grace, but the morning rush to get Zoë to school with a nursing infant, a two year old and 5 year old in toe had me shaking in my boots.

Monday morning I was amazed at how well everything went. I had the presence of mind not to try for a shower before dropping Zoë off to school and I think this helped-she was even there 5 minutes early! But it was while buckling Nathaniel in his car seat that Zoë said something that's made me stop and think, a lot. (yup, that's two words *wink).

She said, "Mom, you look so beautiful like that."
I stopped and asked "What?"  Maybe I hadn't heard her right.
"You look so beautiful like that." she repeated.  Eliya nodded her head in the car seat beside her.
"Well thank you" I muttered. Aware that how I responded needed to be better than what I thought about myself.

As I put the key in the ignition and backed out the driveway I stared at myself, spit up on my tank top, apple juice on my sweatpants (yup, I've succumbed to sweatpants at home...), Chads hoodie covering my wildly messy curls in the down pouring rain, not a lick of make up on my very exhausted looking face,  I wondered what she possibly saw.

You see since Mothers day I've been really struggling.  I think it's the hype of the  idealized pictures of mothers on Mothers Day colliding with the reality of my frumpy body post pregnancy.  The honeymoon period of loosing 25 pounds in 3 days and finally no longer lugging a sac of potatoes around in your gut is over and the slow truth is dawning, as much as my feminist bra burning desires want me to say it out loud, the truth is, I don't feel one ounce of beautiful.  Just the thought of it makes my cheeks burn.

Mothers day found me finally able to grab a shower at 3pm and throw on some clean sweatpants and sloppy shirt after a day with my sick little guy and all I could think of as my girls came in the door from church was how beautiful my own Mom is.  I could see her in my minds eye when I was a child, beautiful in her flowing skirt and pretty shoes. I remember watching her hands, praying one day mine might be half as pretty. I would watching her wash her face at night sometimes and think I was so lucky to have such a beautiful Mom, not like those ugly ones other people were stuck with.  I remember listening to her sing and thinking she sounded like Snow White, and listening to her learn to play the piano and being so proud of her. I was so proud when people would comment about how much I looked like her, I secretly hoped it was true. She is still beautiful, her hands are just as pretty as they were back then, and I long to hear her sing again. She's known for her kindness and there is nothing as beautiful as watching her love her grandchildren. She truly is beautiful, inside and out and this Mothers Day, I caught myself longing for my children to feel the same way, that their Mama is beautiful.

Monday morning, stinky and unruly I wondered if Zoë saw it, and more than all the little details it is what rests most on my Mom- the love. You see the package this Monday morning wasn't anything to notice, but maybe, her "like that" was the love-and she saw it- and it was beautiful.

Mother, you are enough

Ah the big weekend rounds the bend and Mothers everywhere inwardly cringe a bit. Oh it's a glorious Sunday, often at long last the sun comes out, the bbq's flare up or KFC buckets stink up  minivans, garden nursery's are a buzz of activity and jewlery stores are hoppin, but Mothers are inwardly cringing. You see nearly every Mother I know has one big question on her mind, and all the bbq sauce, over seasoned drumsticks, rose bushes and charm bracelets won't adequately answer that one unspoken nagging question, "Am I enough?"

He screams NO!! because he doesn't get enough of my attention. Her iron is low because I didn't eat enough meat. I only nursed her 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years... She didn't come home because I was too harsh. She didn't come home because I was too lenient. He can't concentrate at school because I didn't sing him lullabies as a baby. His second cavity, I let him drink juice!. I never did figure out that blasted glue gun! She flunked out of university, I should have read to her more.  She growls in response because I didn't talk to her enough. She won't stand up for herself I didn't push her enough, I pushed her too much...

Yes Dad's we really do think about everything we do as Mom's.  My Grandmother once said " You're only as good as your child who is doing the poorest."  I think it's true, our hearts are so woven with our children it's difficult to separate ourselves from their realities, but that's the key isn't it?  It's their reality. God has a purpose for their lives and we pray and prepare our children to step into them surrendered to him but in the end they make the choices that determine the paths they take.

Each time he said, " My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me,.2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

We need to rise up and take the "me" out of Mom.  A wise mom once told me that she always prays that God will guide her parenting and fill in all the cracks.  Mom's let us believe it to be true this Mothers Day. "Lord God I will never be everything my child needs, but you didn't create me for that purpose. So today, I put my child back in your arms and remind myself, she is yours, you will fill in the cracks and as I trust you with my weaknesses, I'll see your power working through me and know, I am enough."

the best birthday present

Today my beautiful, impassioned, spit fire, deeply compassionate, animal, baby and Bible loving, second born daughter turned five. Chad and I have struggled with how to do birthdays "right" , and over the last six years we have tried a variety of things to teach our children that it is the presence, not the presents of those who surround us on our birthdays that make us rich.  In a world so inundated with stuff, we've tried to hit the brakes a bit.  

Trust me, I struggle as much as the next Mom with the desire to express my love with fleeting things that will make them smile for a moment.  And I will admit that my Pinterest boards are full of amazing ways to create fantasy, memories and amazing family experiences. Frankly though my pinning abilities far outweigh any actual ability I have with a glue gun and pinning has far more to do with me being an exhausted Mom with the attention span of a goldfish thanks to a three month old that nurses 24 hours a day and 3 other little monsters running around dismantling my house at lightning speed than the heart of a crafter (has anyone actually ever pulled off a Pinterest DIY that meets the pictures expectations anyway?)-that was definlty a run on sentence...anyway....

So Chad and I decided to do for our children a Birthday playdate (oh how the introvert in me hates that word) sans gifts,and the family Birthday party with presents (good luck telling Nanny she can't buy her granddaughter a gift!). We've found it works pretty well despite a few confused looks from school friends' parents who likely think we're cruel over-fertile, excessive-child-producing, gift-denying parents.

But this year, Eliya received the most precious gift at her playdate party, a lasting present that will teach her so much about the woman we want her to become, a woman like my friend.  My friend asked if she could give Eliya her horse collection. If you know Eliya she is absolutely enamored with these beautiful beasts.  This collection is very dear to my friend's heart and she had hoped her own children would want to play with them, but they haven't been interested in them. Knowing Eliya's love for horses she decided she wanted her to have them. Watching her gift my daughter with a piece of her heart, and seeing my daughter respond right back and the two of them play with them on the floor together was so beautiful. This is the most precious gift, straight from one heart to another.  A gift that saw her heart, identified with it and gave a piece of her own heart away.

This friend of mine is selling her house, giving away many of her possessions and moving her family to Africa to help transport supplies and goods to remote areas only accessible by plane. She has seen the need, her heart identifies with it and she will give a piece of her heart away for the benefit of others. I know that she and her family are about to embark on the greatest adventure, the adventure I want my passionate daughter to run, the one not weighed down by the things we so easily consume ourselves with but one that flys with the lightness of giving ourselves for others. 

So these horses, so dear to my daughters heart already, will be a story we tell through the years about a woman who also knew that the best birthday present is giving a piece of your heart away. Let us all be courageous enough to do the same.