all in a Christmas bulb

New Years Eve is tomorrow, the kids are finally asleep, Christmas lights twinkling and I'm feeling reflective. I love to be reflective -odd duck that I am- perhaps it's my newly acquired old age, my old soul, or just the quiet of a winter's evening as a difficult year wraps up-but regardless I'm feeling reflective.

As I look at the Christmas tree from the vantage point of my rocking chair I see so many tiny symbols of so many memories; my first baby ornament, my first babies ornaments, my first Christmas with Chad, our family vacation adventures, the ornaments made with my Nanny, those made by my Nanny, it's hardly thematic except that it symbolizes so much of my life.  But this year, one particular Christmas bulb stands out, actually there are four of them now.

It is a pretty burgundy colour with gold glitter swirls that catch the glow of the lights just right and once, 14 years ago actually, there were 12 of them. It was a very difficult year personally. I was struggling trying to find my own way, lost in the mess of it all, estranged from my family, finding myself friendless, confused and lonely finishing university exams when one of my professors pulled me into her office.  She handed me a Christmas gift and asked me to open it. I didn't know what to think of this as I didn't really know her at all other than I had enjoyed her class but I sat down in her office chair and opened the gift, it was snowing outside and the view of campus from the window was breathtaking.

It was a box of pretty Christmas bulbs. I stared at her as she said to me, "This Christmas, things are hard, really hard Heidi, but I want you to promise me something. Every year hang these bulbs on your Christmas tree and believe in the hope for tomorrow and tomorrow. One day you will be hanging them, with your heart so full, with employment you love, married to a wonderful man, with children under foot, laughter all around. This is hard for you to imagine now, but you must have the hope for tomorrow and perseverance to fight for it. Every year there will be fewer and fewer of these ornaments as you pack them away but let them be a reminder that the pain of the past or the present must never override the hope of tomorrow." I said a quiet "thank you" not knowing how to really respond and left her office and her classes.  The next year was darker still but still every year I hung the bulbs.

This Christmas as we decorated the tree Eliya broke one of my bulbs, crestfallen she looked at me knowing it was a special ornament. I was teary to collect her on my knee and tell her a story of one year when her Mommy was so sad and lonely and someone gifted her a box of those ornaments to symbolize hope she could barely muster up.  I smiled and hugged her close telling her that that lady had even told her that one day her children would drop and break the ornaments and there would be fewer and fewer each year to hang. I told her how I couldn't believe then that I'd be so blessed from such brokenness.

So this Christmas, and this 35th birthday, I just can't help but be reflective and brought to tears with the overwhelming story of God's grace, forgiveness, restoration and astounding blessings symbolized in the four bulbs that remain on my Christmas tree. As my friend's young son said to her "Sometimes, you don't need toys for Christmas. Sometimes, all you need is hope."  May you too experience "the hope for tomorrow and tomorrow" packaged in the grace and forgiveness only Jesus brings.

Partnering with Parents: Why it Matters

She slammed her daily planner shut and folded her hands “So she had a bad day at school did she?”  Was it just me or was her tone condescending?  “You know, girls will be girls.” “Maybe you should chalk this up as a way to teach your daughter some valuable life lessons.” 

Incredulously I stared at her  she couldn't possibly be saying these things, not if she knew what had been going on for so long, not if she knew us and how we parent, not if she cared about the emotional well-being of my daughter. 

The walk to the van was silent and all that ran through my head was “this is why partnering with parents is essential.” 

Maybe this is why so many of the parents in our church struggle to cross over from the idea of child care or Sunday School teacher, to spiritual partner and engaged mentor in the life of their child.  Is there any other arena where parents partner intentionally with someone who is influencing their child? 

I mean what does it mean to partner?  I’m not talking about you have them these many hours a week and I have them these many hours a week, but what about both of us together, communicating and caring for a child, saying the same things. “A partnership is an arrangement in which parties agree to cooperate to advance their mutual interests.”

What if this woman knew the signs that my daughter was struggling, withdrawing, confused, unhappy and hurting.  What if this woman knew that we are engaged parents who want to work with the influences in our daughters' life to grow her up to be a well-rounded, intelligent, caring and compassionate, God fearing young woman.

Contrast this picture with the following night where I poured out my heart to a trusted few women in my church, who have walked through and prayed through fire for me and my family over the last few years, who know my children (actually are their small group leaders), love them like their own and dare to stand with us as we call on God for wisdom for our child.  

This is what partnering with parents really is. Let us dare to step out, to be different from society, to trust each other and partner together in raising our children as followers of Jesus Christ.  Two combined influences are much greater than two influences.

"The Battle of Doorway"

After over 15 years of working in Children’s Ministry, a handful as a teacher in the education system and now with 4 children under 7 of my own I have had the opportunity to work with many different little people and many different Mom’s and Dad’s.  Every year, especially in September  we prepare ourselves for what I call “The Battle of Doorway”.

It is sad to see families struggling, especially at church where parents long for their children to have a positive experience away from them and they themselves are able to have a mental and physical break from the constant demands of parenting to worship their creator and hear Him speak into their life situations. 

There are some obvious reasons why it is harder at church than preschool or school:

1.       Consistency at best  at church is once a week, as opposed to a daily routine

2.       Your child knows you are just downstairs/upstairs or down the hall as opposed to at work/home

3.       Often there are a rotating group of volunteers as opposed to one consistent teacher’s face (this is NOT the case at KONNECT kidz)

Here are 5 tried tested and true ways to ensure your child (and you!) conquer “The Battle of Doorway” quickly.

1.       Consistency.  Make a decision to attend church and Kids Ministry regularly.  “This is what we do on Sunday’s”. You and your child will benefit immensely from this decision and routine!

2.       Talk about how drop off will go. Do NOT decide to take them to Adult service and then bring them to kids church during the sermon, this disrupts routine, shows them the party (worship, music, dancing) is in adult service, disrupts the opportunity for them to engage and develop relationships with their peers, and negates the intentional design of our program to gradually work your child to a place of comfort and engagement. (Did you know your child has intentional worship in kid’s church and he misses out if you don’t bring him until the sermon?).

3.       Arrive a few minutes early.  If you are anxious about arriving late your child will pick up on your anxiousness. Also, if you are late he misses out on the intentional time to gradually connect and is thrown into the middle of something and expected to adjust quickly.

4.       Show confidence! In your child’s Coach/Small Group Leader and that your child will have a great time!-smile. J Your confidence will grow the more you get to know them. Know what goes on in your child’s classroom. Help us help you by being aware of family circumstances, what is your child saying at home about their time at KONNECT Kidz etc.

5.       Say Goodbye at the classroom door, make drop off a quick, matter of fact experience.  We will call you if things aren’t going well, but if you linger you show your child you’re not confident things will go well and that you don’t expect them to stay if they don’t want to.

Partnership is the key for ensuring you are victorious over the “Battle of Doorway”.  Let us be intentional this fall in partnering together to raise our children as followers of Jesus Christ.

"You look so beautiful like that"

I've survived the first two morning routines without Chad.  He's in Calgary this week, and it's the first time I've had all 4 kids for a week by myself.  The regular eb and flow of a day I can manage by myself, with God's grace, but the morning rush to get Zoë to school with a nursing infant, a two year old and 5 year old in toe had me shaking in my boots.

Monday morning I was amazed at how well everything went. I had the presence of mind not to try for a shower before dropping Zoë off to school and I think this helped-she was even there 5 minutes early! But it was while buckling Nathaniel in his car seat that Zoë said something that's made me stop and think, a lot. (yup, that's two words *wink).

She said, "Mom, you look so beautiful like that."
I stopped and asked "What?"  Maybe I hadn't heard her right.
"You look so beautiful like that." she repeated.  Eliya nodded her head in the car seat beside her.
"Well thank you" I muttered. Aware that how I responded needed to be better than what I thought about myself.

As I put the key in the ignition and backed out the driveway I stared at myself, spit up on my tank top, apple juice on my sweatpants (yup, I've succumbed to sweatpants at home...), Chads hoodie covering my wildly messy curls in the down pouring rain, not a lick of make up on my very exhausted looking face,  I wondered what she possibly saw.

You see since Mothers day I've been really struggling.  I think it's the hype of the  idealized pictures of mothers on Mothers Day colliding with the reality of my frumpy body post pregnancy.  The honeymoon period of loosing 25 pounds in 3 days and finally no longer lugging a sac of potatoes around in your gut is over and the slow truth is dawning, as much as my feminist bra burning desires want me to say it out loud, the truth is, I don't feel one ounce of beautiful.  Just the thought of it makes my cheeks burn.

Mothers day found me finally able to grab a shower at 3pm and throw on some clean sweatpants and sloppy shirt after a day with my sick little guy and all I could think of as my girls came in the door from church was how beautiful my own Mom is.  I could see her in my minds eye when I was a child, beautiful in her flowing skirt and pretty shoes. I remember watching her hands, praying one day mine might be half as pretty. I would watching her wash her face at night sometimes and think I was so lucky to have such a beautiful Mom, not like those ugly ones other people were stuck with.  I remember listening to her sing and thinking she sounded like Snow White, and listening to her learn to play the piano and being so proud of her. I was so proud when people would comment about how much I looked like her, I secretly hoped it was true. She is still beautiful, her hands are just as pretty as they were back then, and I long to hear her sing again. She's known for her kindness and there is nothing as beautiful as watching her love her grandchildren. She truly is beautiful, inside and out and this Mothers Day, I caught myself longing for my children to feel the same way, that their Mama is beautiful.

Monday morning, stinky and unruly I wondered if Zoë saw it, and more than all the little details it is what rests most on my Mom- the love. You see the package this Monday morning wasn't anything to notice, but maybe, her "like that" was the love-and she saw it- and it was beautiful.

Mother, you are enough

Ah the big weekend rounds the bend and Mothers everywhere inwardly cringe a bit. Oh it's a glorious Sunday, often at long last the sun comes out, the bbq's flare up or KFC buckets stink up  minivans, garden nursery's are a buzz of activity and jewlery stores are hoppin, but Mothers are inwardly cringing. You see nearly every Mother I know has one big question on her mind, and all the bbq sauce, over seasoned drumsticks, rose bushes and charm bracelets won't adequately answer that one unspoken nagging question, "Am I enough?"

He screams NO!! because he doesn't get enough of my attention. Her iron is low because I didn't eat enough meat. I only nursed her 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years... She didn't come home because I was too harsh. She didn't come home because I was too lenient. He can't concentrate at school because I didn't sing him lullabies as a baby. His second cavity, I let him drink juice!. I never did figure out that blasted glue gun! She flunked out of university, I should have read to her more.  She growls in response because I didn't talk to her enough. She won't stand up for herself I didn't push her enough, I pushed her too much...

Yes Dad's we really do think about everything we do as Mom's.  My Grandmother once said " You're only as good as your child who is doing the poorest."  I think it's true, our hearts are so woven with our children it's difficult to separate ourselves from their realities, but that's the key isn't it?  It's their reality. God has a purpose for their lives and we pray and prepare our children to step into them surrendered to him but in the end they make the choices that determine the paths they take.

Each time he said, " My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me,.2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

We need to rise up and take the "me" out of Mom.  A wise mom once told me that she always prays that God will guide her parenting and fill in all the cracks.  Mom's let us believe it to be true this Mothers Day. "Lord God I will never be everything my child needs, but you didn't create me for that purpose. So today, I put my child back in your arms and remind myself, she is yours, you will fill in the cracks and as I trust you with my weaknesses, I'll see your power working through me and know, I am enough."

the best birthday present

Today my beautiful, impassioned, spit fire, deeply compassionate, animal, baby and Bible loving, second born daughter turned five. Chad and I have struggled with how to do birthdays "right" , and over the last six years we have tried a variety of things to teach our children that it is the presence, not the presents of those who surround us on our birthdays that make us rich.  In a world so inundated with stuff, we've tried to hit the brakes a bit.  

Trust me, I struggle as much as the next Mom with the desire to express my love with fleeting things that will make them smile for a moment.  And I will admit that my Pinterest boards are full of amazing ways to create fantasy, memories and amazing family experiences. Frankly though my pinning abilities far outweigh any actual ability I have with a glue gun and pinning has far more to do with me being an exhausted Mom with the attention span of a goldfish thanks to a three month old that nurses 24 hours a day and 3 other little monsters running around dismantling my house at lightning speed than the heart of a crafter (has anyone actually ever pulled off a Pinterest DIY that meets the pictures expectations anyway?)-that was definlty a run on sentence...anyway....

So Chad and I decided to do for our children a Birthday playdate (oh how the introvert in me hates that word) sans gifts,and the family Birthday party with presents (good luck telling Nanny she can't buy her granddaughter a gift!). We've found it works pretty well despite a few confused looks from school friends' parents who likely think we're cruel over-fertile, excessive-child-producing, gift-denying parents.

But this year, Eliya received the most precious gift at her playdate party, a lasting present that will teach her so much about the woman we want her to become, a woman like my friend.  My friend asked if she could give Eliya her horse collection. If you know Eliya she is absolutely enamored with these beautiful beasts.  This collection is very dear to my friend's heart and she had hoped her own children would want to play with them, but they haven't been interested in them. Knowing Eliya's love for horses she decided she wanted her to have them. Watching her gift my daughter with a piece of her heart, and seeing my daughter respond right back and the two of them play with them on the floor together was so beautiful. This is the most precious gift, straight from one heart to another.  A gift that saw her heart, identified with it and gave a piece of her own heart away.

This friend of mine is selling her house, giving away many of her possessions and moving her family to Africa to help transport supplies and goods to remote areas only accessible by plane. She has seen the need, her heart identifies with it and she will give a piece of her heart away for the benefit of others. I know that she and her family are about to embark on the greatest adventure, the adventure I want my passionate daughter to run, the one not weighed down by the things we so easily consume ourselves with but one that flys with the lightness of giving ourselves for others. 

So these horses, so dear to my daughters heart already, will be a story we tell through the years about a woman who also knew that the best birthday present is giving a piece of your heart away. Let us all be courageous enough to do the same.

Dear Mother,

I see you as your heart increases today; feeling it yourself is inexplicable.  The moment you saw her tiny face, felt her soft warm head snuggle up under your chin, watched her tiny fingers clasp yours, you knew it was different, you knew you were changed, but there are no words made to adequately explain this feeling.

And you saw me today; a closer glimpse of who I am, your Creator, the one who created her too. You felt a surge of emotion, laughter and tears as you traced her delicately painted red lips with your finger and counted her tiny toes. I crafted every detail.

I see you as you watch your parents awestruck by their child’s child, your precious gift from me. A tear escapes your father’s eye and runs down his cheek and your mother quietly gasps with a joy so deep in her chest it almost looks like it hurts.  Her heart knows this feeling and is once again stretched beyond what she thought capable. Your hearts beat once again as one for a moment.

This is love, my love and it is beautiful. This child is a gift, my gift to you, let her change you.

I see you, toes curl in pain as you learn together with your baby to feed him from your own body. I watch you sigh, tears running down your cheeks as you watch him swallow and reach his hand to rest on your swollen breast.

And you are tired. So tired, nodding off in light slumber, baby clutched to your chest. “Why does he cry?  Why won’t he eat and be full? Am I good enough? Someone help me! No let me take him…” You know a new truth, its as if your heart now beats in his little chest and as he hurts you know nothing but to draw him back to yourself.

I see you. You are right, it is hard. So hard at times but allow me to teach you the sacrament of Motherhood. Give yourself to me, lay yourself down, die to your own needs for my purposes.  As you feel yourself overwhelmed with the inability to say yes to yourself, give yourself to me and let me teach you to be like me. You are right it is counter cultural, it is my way.

Trust me my child. I see you. I am here. I have felt your heartbeat on my chest and I care for every detail of your life. I have held your hand, my child, and longed to soothe you. If you let me, I will teach you through this precious gift, to be like me and my grace will transform you into who you are meant to be.

Dear Mother, MY child, loose your life for me and you will find it.

Your father, God

Mathew 16:24 & 25