The Pressure Cooker heats up again

I had an interesting and passing conversation with a dear friend this afternoon. I was commenting on the recent news that I’ve been handing out dirty looks lately. I was telling her how I was surprised, that I used to be known for my smile, not my scowl, and then she said something surprising. She said I didn’t smile anymore. Unfortunately I didn’t get to “unpack that” (as Dr. Phil would say) with her, but had to run off.

Wow, what a lot to think about. One of my dear and trusted friends thinks I don’t smile anymore. I did have time to mention that is has been a really difficult year for me, but this came with more interesting comments, left unpacked, about the importance of choosing to smile and be happy regardless of how I feel, as that is ministry to people and what they need. I got thinking about this, a lot tonight. Of course, the tears are falling too, because I’m a sensitive shmuck.

Is that what I want to be about? Maybe that is what being married to a Pastor has been about for years, but I’m not sure I’m game for that being what I’m about. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to harm my husband’s ministry…but is it not alright for me to show up to church as I am to worship God, be that happy, sad, tired, disgusted, ticked off? Is it not alright for a Pastor to go to church the same? No, I don’t mean pouring his/my heart and soul to every passer by, but not hiding a rough time either, putting on pretend happiness, is this ministry?

I have had one of the most difficult years of my life this past year, and although some people would hate to have to know that, and most people will pretend they don’t know, is forcing a smile really what people need? When I think of it over the past year, I have had more “ministry moments” because I was real about where I’m at, then I have had in more “cheery times”. I have had numerous people come to me and thank me for being real, that I was a breath of fresh air, in a trend of phoney Christianity. Why shouldn’t this be the way it is in the church? Is it not there, more than anywhere where people need to see that God meets us where we’re at, not necessarily making everything shinny happy smiling, but holding us when times are difficult.

So all of this to say, I’m going to continue being ME. This is all I know how to be really, and trying to be something else just isn’t going to work for me, regardless of how much pressure I feel to fit into the mould. Yeah, there will be those who really want a plastic smiling Pastor’s wife, but I’m afraid they are going to have to keep looking. I won’t give in to the pressure, I will be there for those who really need a fresh dose of how it is. Someone who knows what it’s like to be there and won’t pretend, but is also sure that God is meeting us where we’re at, making all the difference. Jesus certainly didn’t pretend. It’s time, now more than ever, to be real.