Day 2 - Part 2

February 23, 2011 - Day 2 Part 2

11:30am check in and breakfast at l’hotel LErmitage de Pandiassou

12:00 travel to COBOCOL meet WV Headquarters staff and facilities

6:00pm COBOCOL to l’hotel l’Ermitage de Pandiassou

After giving the pilot a mini applause for his skill at landing the plane on the “landing strip”, we crawl out of the plane and are greeted by Sagnol and our two drivers. Sagnol comes from WV Headquarters in Hinche and he will be our travel guide and translator as we visit the ADP’s over the next few days. It seems everyone is quite interested in our arrival and a few children saunter over to watch us as well. We crawl into the trucks to take us to the hotel to drop off our “luggage” ;).

The streets are very busy and alive with activity. People, goats, cattle, dogs are everywhere, crates, dirt bikes, motorcycles crowd the streets. It is not a long drive to our hotel but it is apparent that Hinche is a growing village. We drive in to the gated area of the hotel and down a long “road” of rock, park in an area where building is going on and then walk down a stone walkway to the hotel. The lobby is nice with some beautiful woodworking in it. Unfortunately my room is not ready for me to drop off my “luggage” so I leave it in Laura’s room for now. It is weird being in a strange place for the first time, unsure what to make of it all and knowing you’ll need to make yourself comfortable enough to sleep there. The place seems ok, I know that WV puts us up in the best places possible, but I can’t help but wonder…

We have yet to eat breakfast because of our early start the staff of the hotel agree to give us a late breakfast snack to hold us over until lunch at the ADP. It is yummy, pastries of a sort and real lemonade! We are refreshed and ready to start out on the next leg of our journey. Little did we understand the words “rough roads”!

The road from Hinche to COBOCOL is a dirt, mud-caked, rutted cavernous strip of land. Never have I felt so at one with the settlers headed west to build America! Seriously I debated if travelling by wagon may have been easier! I know I’ve commented on it before but the driving is very aggressive in Haiti so consequently the driver guns it until he hits another pothole or cavern and then guns it again. Of course this sounds very fast, but is inactually very slow, hardly ever going faster than 30k/hr in between ruts, and the rock makes the road extremely rough. I am also sitting in the back of the truck, sideways, making the bumpy road even more interesting.

The poverty looks different here. The “shelters” are still not secure, most homes are pieced together, some plaster/cement, some wood, some material, but the space between them gives it a different feel, less destitute somehow. Goats, oxen, dogs, roosters, chickens are wandering along the road and land. A group of men are putting up cell towers in the most remote of places. I have never seen so much dirt and dust everywhere, covering everything. As we get closer to the COBOCOL ADP it becomes obvious that there is more of a sense of community here. Houses seem a little closer together, there are wells, and where there is a well there is a crowd of people gathered.

As we turn into the long drive into the COBOCOL ADP Headquarters I can’t help wondering what we will see there. We have waited a year and a half to finally get here and now we are arriving. I anticipate a staff member greeting us and taking us into the headquarters to show us around. As we pull up in front of the building, all of a sudden I get a glimpse of what is before us.

A long banner reads Welcome to COBOCOL ADP and there is an Haitian flag on one side of it and a Canadian flag on the other. Behind it stand a youth band, fully uniformed, waiting to welcome us with music. I can’t even explain the emotions I felt well up inside of me when I realized that they were waiting for us. We were warmly greeted by the ADP President and then the youth played for us a couple of songs, in the middle, the Canadian National Anthem. I can’t tell you what this did for me. It wouldn’t have occurred for me to do the same for them had they been visiting my country. This was an expression of what they valued, a gift of respect for our country. They had learned this piece especially to show us honour. There wasn’t a dry eye among us. This entire welcome was more than we could have anticipated, and honestly put us back a little that they would do so much to welcome us to their ADP.

After official greetings, including a piece presented by a student on the hope and appreciation they have because of our support, we are welcomed into the building for a tour. They are obviously very proud of their building and introduce us to many different department heads for Logistics, Heath Nurse, Education, Sponsorship, the secretary. The secretary just radiates joy, she is absolutely beautiful, her eyes dance, her face smiles, her countenance welcomes whole heartedly. As Bernie and I prepare to leave the sponsorship office I notice the picture of my sponsor child Micheala on the wall. My heart soars with the connection, there beside her is Bernie’s sponsor child, both with the supplies we brought with us last year. WE have an instant connection with the Director of the Sponsorship Program, as it is because of him that we have the connection we do have with our sponsor children.

From there we gather in the conference room and sit in a circle with 20 plus people, all united with one purpose, for the future and development of the people of COBOCOL. It is an amazing honour to sit with these people and listen to them and watch them as they proudly present their area of expertise, the developments and accomplishments they have made together, their biggest hurdles to overcome. I scratch wildly, pen to paper, trying to capture all that they have presented us, to take home to Frederictonians. I want to absorb and understand everything, so I can best represent these people.

At 2pm we break for lunch, a buffet of Haitian food. Rice with beans, fried banana, beet salad, lasagne, chicken legs and spice cake. We are waited on and treated like royalty. First they ensure all our needs are met and then quietly serve themselves as well.

From there we met with the 3 local government officials of the neighbouring community of Hinche. It was interesting to watch the 3 communicate with the World Vision staff. Each person bringing their expertise and concerns, values and objectives to the table and manuvering the dance of partnership together. From the passion of the ground workers to those in charge of processes. However, the lack of sleep coupled with the intense heat and high carb lunch made for sleepy Canadians, and our engagement began to dwindle toward the end of the meeting.

Thankfully from the meeting we went to further explore the facility. We were able to watch some students train in woodworking, sewing and making patterns. We watched grain be processed in their mill, visited the library and computer building and finally ont eh way home, the tree nursery. The nursery especially interested Bernie. I was travelling in the vehicle with the Director to the Mayor of Hinche, and as I was the only one who could speak French we were having a labored on my part, but very interesting discussion on a variety of topics. When he noticed Bernie’s particular interest in the soil I struggled to remember the name of soil in French. It was hilarious as I finally ended up referring to Bernie as a Dr. of dirt. I think I confused him more than anything. What is particularly awesome about this particular project is just how well done it is. Bernie was extremely impressed with how everything is run. Basically the staff grow healthy fruit trees to distribute freely to the ADP participants to combat deforestation, and in turn add the benefit of fruit like oranges, lemons, banana’s their diet at home.

It was a wonderful day. After little sleep, loosing or, at least, giving up our luggage, traveling by plane and truck the drive home on that horrible road in the dark was absolutely exhausting. All of us were extremely tired and longed for bed and sleep. Ready for whatever tomorrow brings!

~H

Day 2 - Part 1

February 23, 2011 - Day 2 Part 1
4:00am still not sleeping
5:50am mad dash for departure
7:00am depart from Karibe Hotel to airport
10:00am Port au Prince to Hinche in a 6 passenger MI

As the day windes down and exhaustion takes over I struggle to keep my eyes open long enough to recount the day. The adventures continue.

Unfortunately I found it very difficult to sleep in my massive king-sized bed, and beautiful room last night. I knew I was desperately tired and I was worried I would sleep through my wake up call and alarm, so I tossed and turned all night long. At 4am I was up to see if anyone from home was on the computer-lol-and then got back in bed and finally fell asleep. Only to wake up full jump and call downstairs to the front desk to ask what time it was. The attendant told me it was 6:30 and I ran bolting from my bed flinging clothes, luggage, shoes, electronics into my suitcases and grunting at myself about how impossible I was holding the team up on the first day.

I arrived downstairs with my 3 massive pieces of luggage, laptop and camera to find not a soul in sight. I went back to the check in and asked again what time it was and the man confirmed that it was 6:40am. I quickly looked at the clock and wondered where everyone was. I took a stroll down to the restaurant area, around the lobby and grounds but couldn’t find a soul. Finally I asked to call up to Laura’s room.

“Laura”, I asked animated, “what’s going on?” I couldn’t imagine that they would alter their plans and forget to tell me.
“What do you mean, what’s going on?” she asked.
“Where is everyone? I’m downstairs in the lobby by myself!”
“Heidi, it is 5:45! We’re not meeting until 6:30.”
And suddenly I know what’s happened with my ipod ineptitude and translation problems, but grinned regardless, at least I’d have time to fit in a shower.

At 7am we travelled down through the city back to the airport after dropping all of our non-immediate luggage at WV headquarters to follow us up later in trucks. Paul Emile had heard we were now a party of 5 instead of 6 and had cancelled the other plane they had originally schedules for us to save us some money. What he didn’t know is that we had a load of luggage to go up with us with small presents for the children in COBOCOL. Nevertheless each of us managed to get our personal luggage down to one suitcase, leaving the others behind as we wouldn’t need them until Saturday’s sponsor party with the children.

Again, the drive through the city was difficult to see, rubble, garbage, goats, people, everywhere. I watched as a father tied the shoe of his young daughter as she prepared to go to school. They sat in the shell of a house. Hundreds of children were heading to school on dirtbikes and by foot. Friends and siblings, linking arms and helping one another up through the streets. One little boy carried the bookbag of another little girl up the hill. The children are impeccably dressed, their uniforms are clean and pressed. Cell phones are everywhere. It is such a juxtaposition in my mind, poverty and cell phones. I am coming from a society where until recently a cell phone was a sign of affluence but here, a cell phone is the only means of communication for many people as land lines are generally not easily accessible.

We arrived at the airport after about an hour stuck in traffic. Men began running towards our vehicle banging on the windows as we pulled up to the airport and for a minute I couldn’t remember why, then it hit me, they were looking to carry our luggage. So aggressive, I think to myself, they must make a good living. We waited for Mike and Bernie to catch up in their vehicle, but the second we stepped outside we were swarmed by at least 10 men not only wanting to help us with our luggage, but grabbing at it and fighting for it. I watched my suitcase leave with one man and chased behind him to at least be able to keep my eye on it.

We entered the airport and tracked down our suitcases and Mike tipped them for the group and then we waited near the MI office for instructions to our flight. The coordinator came out of his office and looked us over, like we couldn’t possibly be seriously expecting a flight with all of THAT luggage. He took a few trips back and forth to the office and had some intense talk with Mike until we were told that due to the weight restrictions on the flight each of us was to get weighed and they were going to write it all out on a chart to establish how much luggage we could bring with us. Yes, we were going to be weighed in front of everyone. In the airport. With the Haitian “weigher” loudly articulating the results for all to hear.

Ah like this wasn’t humiliating enough, as they read our weights out for the world to hear, we are then told that we were allowed just 40lbs of extra weight between all 5 of us and that we must pull out only the absolute necessary personal items for the next day to take with us, quickly. There was an unspoken understanding that this was to be as little as possible to survive. Ah imagine the demoralizing effect this event had on the 3 women in the group as we hauled out underwear and all personal items needed to get us through the next couple of days and held it, in my case in a transparent cosmetics case, and then weighed it and had it recorded. Ah yes, this will make a great story later, but at that moment…not so pleasant. We were then informed that we were still 5lbs too heavy and must all go to the bathroom to lose as much of it as possible and stop drinking water—no I am not kidding!

After our bathroom run we waited until 9:30 to go out to the plane. It was here we realized just how foolish it was to think any of our luggage could have fit on the plane with us. The compartment under the plane was smaller than my carry on case! Cosmetics bag it is, for how long…good question…all we know is that in Haiti, plans are only plans, and rarely the reality.

After all of that though, I got to be co-pilot ;) on a 6 passenger plane over the mountains to Hinche—totally cool experience—with a pilot from Vancouver. The mountains are absolutely bare with no greenery and a few “houses”. 20 minutes later we landed in Hinche on a rocky dirt path in the center of town and I was certain we were going to bottom out.

~H

Day 1

February 22, 2011

Day 1

5:30am Fredericton to Montreal

9:30am Montreal to Port-au-Prince

3pm airport to Karibe hotel

6pm supper and orientation with Paul Emile Cesar

I am tired after a very long day of travel but I wanted to stop and take a minute to remember the day. In many ways I can’t believe that we are finally here again, on Haitian soil. It seems like it was a life time ago that WV staff were evacuating us out of the city to safety, leaving the horrors of natural disaster behind us. And yet in some ways it feels like just yesterday. Today and the last few weeks of preparation have brought many images back to my minds eye and my heart. I am more aware again, of my experience last year.

It was a great day of travel really, no complaints or hiccups. Some of the anxiety and fear I’ve been feeling from time to time, especially in cramped quarters, wasn’t anywhere to be found-thank God, more than anything I felt a calm, peaceful assurance that God was with me, directing my steps.

I had the fun of flying on a larger plane than has been my limited air travel experience from Montreal to Port-au-Prince. I laughed right out loud at a man closing the gate on his little sci-fi pod at when walking through what I didn’t realize was first class. Now THAT is a luxury! Movies on board kept me entertained and amused. I felt like an illiterate slob, but decided to embrace it and enjoy!

We arrived in Port- au-Prince pretty close to on time. Not knowing what kind of chaos we might be faced with we were pleasantly surprised by the order and efficiency of the airport staff in getting such a large amount of travelers through in such a limited space with extenuating circumstances. After collecting our luggage (it seems everyone traveling to Haiti is bringing loads and loads of luggage with them!) we headed out for the usual race to the vehicles, so many young men adamant they could help us with their luggage. After loading our vehicles up with all of our luggage we headed through the city to our hotel.

This was a different drive on a different route then the route they took us to evacuate us last year. We bypassed the worst of the damage from the earthquake but it’s effects were still everywhere. We sat, mostly silent, absorbing all of the sights and sounds, but unable to process them. Rubble, and garbage, piled up along the road in neat piles, an effort at cleaning, but no where for it to go. Everyone cleaning something it seemed, pots, pans, bowls, feet, legs. Plastering walks, road work. And then there are the tent cities, rows and rows of tents, I don’t know that you can even call them tents. More like torn and worn tents, and tarps pieced together. I see a baby boy sitting in a pile of dirt outside his tent home, playing with a piece of metal-his dumptruck. I see so many children, playing alongside obviously contaminated water. I feel the helplessness, but also the awe that they have managed to keep going. People are amazingly resilient. These people are amazingly resilient. I see a young girl and her mother, the young girl stares at me through the car window and I smile back at her. She pauses for a minute and then smiles back, her face, beautiful and radiant.

The streets are so busy, and lined with merchants, tents, clothes, people. I comment that I would never drive in Haiti, and then that it would take some major getting use to to even walk the streets in Haiti. There are no street signs, and no rules to the road. Hills, so steep, streets so narrow and broken, people jumping in and out of traffic, bikes jutting in and out between vehicles. The most aggressive driver wins-HOW are there not pile ups of accidents everywhere! I laugh that Paul Emile likely thought our Canadian drivers so cautious and boring when he visited us in September.

The rubble seems to be lessening, the houses more stable as we crawl up the hills to our hotel and suddenly we are upon it. I can’t believe it’s beauty! The lobby is gorgeous and the patios, restaurant all seem to be the same-gorgeous! We are shown to our rooms and they are massive and beautiful. I have my own balcony, King sized bed, sitting area…it truly is wild the accommodating, especially juxtaposed with the devastation just moments away.

From the stairwell I can see houses upon houses built into the mountain. It is incredible to see and Paul Emile tells us that 20 years ago none of them were there. We briefly go to our rooms and I get a skype chat set up with Chad and my beautiful girls. It is great to see their faces and be able to report home this time that we have indeed arrived safely. We then gather together in the lobby to go to supper. The restaurant is beautiful, the food is amazing and the company is great. I catch myself wishing Chad and I were experiencing all of this together—this so fits—Paul Emile fills us in on some of our scheduling for the next day, talks to us about life in Port-au-Prince and the ADP’s, the boys crack bad jokes and we call it a night. Tomorrow morning we fly out of Port-au-Prince at 6:30am for Hinche and then travel from Hinche to Cobocol, to finally, a year and nearly 2 months later, meet the people we are partnering with through Freddylink and see the projects, one in stage 1, one in stage 2 UDICH and one in stage 3 COBOCOLL. Tomorrow will be an amazing day!

Paul Emile tells us that poverty has a different face outside of the city, that we will see, and feel joy and happiness even in poverty, whereas that is so hard to find in the city. It registers with me in my chest as I remember God putting it on my heart Tuesday night that last year I had prayed “God, your heart, your hears, your eyes”, and it had been hard, so impossible to explain, deeply hard, but this year, he was going to show me joy, joy in hardship, real joy. I’m so excited to see just that!

That’s it from me, 5:30am comes way too quickly—now lets hope I can get to sleep with that much bed to myself!~

~H

Tickets purchased

Yesterday our tickets were purchased for our return flight to Haiti, Feb 22nd. I have mixed feelings.

There is a part of me that is excited to return, this time to see the Area Development Project we have worked with all year, to meet the people-finally!-be challenged and changed, another part of me is anxious about leaving my family. Last year it was hard, this year I can't even imagine how I will manage, but by God's strength. Last year I came so close to not returning home to my husband, my precious baby girls, my family and friends... Obviously the likelyhood of something happening again is practically impossible, but the odds were not with it last year either. I trust that God is in this, directing our every step, even when I can't understand, but it is still difficult.

We returned home last year, needing to process and work through the trauma of natural disaster, devesatation and heartbreak, elements of the trip we couldn't have possible imagined. As we prepare for the reality a world away from our understanding, I wonder how I will be changed when I return home this year.

Imagine

Nearly one year ago, she sat in the parking lot against the fallen rubble of the outer wall of the hotel, holding an infant in her arms. His head was wrapped in ripped bed linens, soaked with his young blood, he lay quietly after hours of painful crying.

She was beautiful. She was young. She looked strong. Even in the dusk of the early evening I could SEE her. Her imploring eyes followed me as I hurried to the caravan that was to evacuate Me to safety. I looked away.

It was unfair, it was impossible. Help had come for me. I must leave now, I must return to my family; my husband, my own baby girls. I had to look away.

But tonight, I imagine a different picture...
She IS beautiful. She is young. She is strong and determined. I can SEE her. She sits against the outer wall of her new home, holding a toddler in her arms. he snuggles in to her chest, his brown curly hair is damp from playing in the heat of the day, a content smile stretches across his gorgeous face. She watches, and she listens....

Imagine the sound of children playing in a child friendly space, they are laughing, singing and dancing, it has replaced the crying, the wailing, the despair.
Imagine the father standing tall with the pride and exhaustion from a day of hard labour in the fields, he is providing food for his children, he no longer feels helpless.
Imagine the mother reaching over the window to hang curtains in her first home, security and stability replace fear and danger.
Imagine a crowd of labourers building the school that will teach their children and give them a future, rather than digging out the dead bodies of loved ones from the rubble that represented their lives.
Imagine the child whose belly is full and he is therefore able to imagine his own world of possibilities, a future, hope.
Imagine a community filled with hope, the belief in a better tomorrow, the desire, the skills, the resources to make it so.
I can imagine.

Tonight I don't want to look away, I want to look ahead.
Can YOU imagine what this community would look like, can you imagine what the world COULD look like, if we all did our part? What IF one community helped transform another? What IF all over the world communities, Fredericton, Moncton, St. John, Regina, Calgary, Victoria, chose struggling communities and helped raise them up to self sufficiency?

You can imagine. Now, what will you do?

http://www.freddylink.com

Fundraiser for Haiti: Dan Hill, Liz Rodriguez & The Stringers!

I wanted to let you know about a fundraiser for Haiti taking place on Sunday, Feb. 21, at 6 PM at Smythe Street Cathedral. Tickets are $20. Thanks to the generosity of the artists (Dan Hill & Liz Rodrigas as well as Fredericton's own "The Stringers") and all involved, 100% of the ticket price will go to support emergency relief of World Vision in Haiti. For more information and to purchase tickets on-line, please go to www.freddylink.com.. Tickets can also be purchased at Tonys Music Box, Long & Mcquade and Smythe Street Cathedral in Fredericton. I will also be sharing from my own experience in Haiti.

More information on our project:

FreddyLink, is a Fredericton based initiative aiming to provide long-term support for Haiti. One of the most effective ways to do this is to support World Vision community development projects in Haiti. This is what we were initially going to visit in our recent trip to Haiti but did not get to because of the earthquake. We will be returning to see these projects first-hand once the situation has stabilized enough for us to return.

This World Vision community development project targets the central plateau region of Haiti, which is the most poverty stricken area in the western hemisphere. These projects typically have about a 15 year life cycle. There is a period of about 2-3 years during which the needs of the community are assessed, a self-governance structure is developed, and a plan created by the local community. The plan is designed to meet the specific needs of that community in a holistic way, and may include activities like drilling water wells, building schools, health and nutrition education, immunizations, and disaster preparedness. The community then implements their plan, with World Vision providing what additional support the community needs. For example, if the community needs a school, World Vision may provide building materials while the community provides the labour. The goal is that at the end of the cycle, the community is now self-supporting, and World Vision can move on to a new community.

These community development projects are funded through child sponsorships. The sponsorships are $40/month. If you are interested in sponsoring a child, they will be available at the fundraiser, and they are also available through me at any time.

This is actually a pilot project with World Vision. We are creating a direct link between the community of Fredericton and the communities in Haiti through these sponsorships. Child sponsors have always been able to write, send and receive letters from their sponsored children. Now, we can have a more direct link where some of us will visit the communities in Haiti, and may be able to visit and take pictures of the sponsored children. We will also have individuals from Haiti come to Fredericton, and there will be annual updates on progress in the community. This way sponsors get to see how their support has contributed to changes in the community. Once we get the Freddylink site fully up and running, it will be a source of information and updates for the project. While not yet available, there should soon be an excellent video available on the website produced by World Vision which explains how these community development program work using a community in Tanzania as an example.

Please pass this on to anyone you think may be interested.

I hope to see you on the 21st.

Heidi

One Response

There are many different ways to react and respond to a natural disaster like Haiti’s.I am absolutely certain that I was supposed to be in Haiti during that earthquake. Where I struggle, i s in asking the Why? Why me, why then, why Haiti? I guess the Why is really irrelevant. I trust God with my life, I know that his timing often doesn’t make sense to me or to us, but he sees a much bigger picture than I do, than we do. I don’t believe that God did this, that this is his punishment on Haiti, I do believe that he can take this situation and good can come out of it, it already has.

The first few hours after the earthquake I believe we were all in a state of shock. Shortly after the quake we found each other and congregated with the hotel guests and staff in the parking lot outside of the hotel stone wall. Miraculously we were all ok, unhurt. I remember looking up at the mountains around us previously inhabited with thousands of little cement homes and all I could see now was a great billow of dust. We did quickly get out a phone call to World Vision headquarters to call our families and let them know we were safe and then we waited. We sat on the curb, stood in the parking lot and told stories and tried to calm our trembling bodies. Within an hour it was dark, bringing on a new sense of the surreal. The hotel staff made sandwiches and passed out juice, they took our names to match them with the registration records to ensure we were all there and safe. The ground continued to shake and the wails and cries from the city below made everything feel like a horrible nightmare.

But then the wounded began to come up the hill. They had heard doctors were staying at the hotel and could help. They were wrong. One EMT began trying to help and organize the wounded. We were at a loss for how to help or what to do. I felt so inadequate, so helpless. So I collected flashlights to shine on the injuries so the EMT could try to help. I collected bandages or anything that would soak up blood. I sat with a man who was stroking his daughters leg as she lay dying, a head wound, blood running from her ear. I have a daughter her age, she is my world, this is his Zoë, this is his world. I tried to help a mother distract her small son from his broken legs and head wound. I was in the way, I was useless. As more began to come I became lost for anything to do and went to lie down on the parking lot to get some attempt at rest. Other than help make sandwiches, pass out peach nectar, and help care for a little girl, this was all I did to help.

I struggle with this. I struggled when I was there, many times setting my mind to go do something then feeling lost and not knowing where to start. I struggle with this now that I am home. I should have helped more, had training, done something, anything. What would Mother Theresa have done? What would Jesus have done? What could I have done?

And I am reminded of Jesus, he saw the crowds and was filled with compassion. I understand this in a different way now. I too have sat with the crowds, if even just for a short while. I don’t know about you but it can be easy to dehumanize people who are worlds away from us. It is easy to turn the channel when we are home in front of the tv because we are constantly bombarded with images, or to read that article and pause for a moment before moving on. It is easy to think our lives are difficult, our bills are pressuring us, our finances too tight, we have no money to go out to eat this week, or catch the bus home, our house is too small, our cars too old, our children too whinny. I struggle with these thoughts too. But now I have sat in the crowd. I have had my heart surge with compassion, I have been unable to ignore the hurting wails of a toddler, the agonizing screams of a mother who lost her baby, the pleas of a man relentlessly calling for his wife and his child. I have sat bolt right out of a dead sleep as crowds begin calling up, begging to God for forgiveness, offering him forgiveness for allowing this to happen to them. I have listened to people calling on God and praying out of necessity and need instead of choice and privilege.

You know we are created to respond to the needs of others? Not only an obligation or a responsibility, but created to love like this, to give like this. Just as Jesus had compassion on the crowds. Just as we recognize we are created to worship God with our singing, with our hands raised, we are created to worship God by serving others, responding to the need, sitting with the crowds, crying with the crowds. We are not living in our fullest, experiencing all God has for us when we neglect this part of our God given make up.

In October I was asked to write a monologue piece for the Compassion concert. I prayed about it a lot, read some scripture and reflected on my personal thoughts, and then one night I sat down to write and just prayed, “God direct these words.” After we returned home from Haiti I took an evening out to journal and some of the words came back to me. I believe God was preparing my heart for what I was about to see and hear in Haiti, this is a piece of it:

But God my eyes are not blind, they are raped by slavery and injustice

The putrid stench of poverty lays decaying in our streets

Bitter battles rip and tear and destroy nations, families, marriages

The agonizing cries of children resonate in our schools, our cities, our homes, our churches: lost, damaged, abused

Empty arms long to be held, to be loved, to be comforted, to be protected: cherished

And I can not help but ask, where are you God? where IS your good?

And I see Jesus.

Reaching out his calloused hands to heal the sick

his stable arms leading the blind,

his strength lifting up the crippled.

I see him stoop to bless the children and smile in their faces.

I see his arms stretched wide to embrace this fallen world as he is unjustly dying.

I see the damage inflicted in his risen flesh radiate hope and confidence

and I CANNOT stand,

I MUST kneel and raise my hands to worship.

But through my thankful tears, my humble act of worship, one arm is driven to my side.

To my left, to my right, they are there and I must reach them.

One hand reaching up, one hand reaching out.

To know my Lord, to worship my God, is to defend the poor and needy, the weak, the fatherless, the oppressed.

Where are the hands that heal, lend stability, give strength and lift up?

They are yours, they are mine.

We have been anointed to “preach good news to the poor, to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed.” Luke 4:18

Only then will we truly see God.

My prayer, before leaving for Haiti, was “God give me your heart, your eyes, your ears.” My prayers have been answered and I am overwhelmed with what I feel in my heart, what I see, what I hear…and I am struggling and refuse to be the same.

Be a part of a change of heart, a change of world view. Join us as we link our Fredericton community with a Haitian community, building relationship through child sponsorship and giving them a hand up, not a hand out, toward lasting and measurable sustainability. Actively respond.

soon to be up and running...

http://www.freddylink.com

Difficult day today

Difficult day today. I believe I left part of my heart in Haiti. Images are burned into my minds eye and as much as I want to forget them, I don't want to forget them. The sounds interrupt my quiet, the noise of two little ones and telephones feel chaotic. I feel like I should be pulling it together now but instead I feel more apart. Tomorrow Chad and I have worked out some time so I can have a bit of a break from child care to collect my thoughts in the quiet and write. I know I need to get some of this out of me and finish putting my thoughts to paper.

Heidi Fest Pt 5- The Gift of Friendship

So by now I'm starting to relish this Heidi Fest thing. Taking time to be with people I care about and care about me, do some things I love, get spoiled, how could this be bad? I should do this more often! lol, now we're on to something! he he...

Chad worked his tail off for me Saturday. I was out in the morning at my community group glas Christmas brunch, coming home only long enough to feed Eliya, and then out most of the afternoon getting my hair done. I certainly know that child care of a 7 month old and 2 year old is work enough, but he was also prepping ingredients for his famous pizza (Jamaican Jerk pizza is the bomb!) and tidying up the house after two crazy weeks running the roads like lunitics! he had his work cut out for him.

I arrived home at 5:30, just moments before our good friends Chris and Céline came over for Jamacian Jerk and BBQ Chicken Pizza, Dark Chocolate Torte and games night.

We truly enjoyed Chad's amazing pizza and just catching up a bit, then took a break to bath and get the kido's in bed, stopping for a dance fest with Zoë in her new Christmas tutu pj's with Chris on keys. We then savored small (mostly because we'd pigged out on pizza and had no room left) slices of this delectable dessert. Then the party really got heated up ;)

While I was trying to rock/feed Eliya into bedtime slumber zone, Céline fell asleep on the couch and I started dozing in the rocking chair (now this is the life of an aged woman such as myself!). The boys were whispering at the table trying to figure out the instructions to our new game. lol. We did manage to pull it together long enough for a round of our new game, Yatzee Free For All --which by the way was fun and comes highly recommeneded by this crowd. Overall a great night of great food and time spent with great friends. Couldn't have asked for better and overdue for sure.

Reflecting on the gift of friendship...

I am blessed.

Heidi Fest Pt 4- The Gift of Personal Care

Ah the talented Kait! I spent a good chunk of Saturday afternoon with Kait my hairstylist. Is there many better ways to spend a gals time then have someone try to honestly make you look better? Some trimmed up locks, and refined colour placement and I'm preped for 30, Christmas, the New Year and Haiti.

I am blessed.

Heidi Fest PT 3- The Gift of Relationship

Saturday morning was my Community Group Gals Christmas Brunch. This group is super special. Busy women who are hungry for some "real" relationships with other women and a deeper relationship with God. We meet every other week because of child care difficulties and crazy work schedules etc. but every meeting is such an uplifting and encouraging experience we always leave wanting more. The gals put together an "An Old Age Preparedness Kit" for me. They had just a bit too much fun I think. There were crazy eye glasses, bright red shinny lip gloss(because what crazy old lady can't have bright obnoxiously red lips!), an "it's my birthday I'll cry if I want to" hankie, oatmeal, Epsom salts, a 30 blinking birthday button, Ensure etc. Foolish, yes, Fun yes. I am thankful to have these really awesome women in my life to celebrate with, or morn perhaps, depending on how I end up looking at things!

I am blessed!

Heidi Fest Pt 2- The Gift of Indulgence

Last night, even though Chad was busy running errands after a full day of work and I was busy doing householdy things, he arrived home with one of my most favorite Christmas indulgences--a fabulous Heidi fest gift--Hickory Farms' Jalepeno Cheeseball. I will admit that one year I actually sat down by myself and devoured 1/4 of it all on my own it is that delicious--oh yum!

Let the festivities continue!

I am blessed.

~H

Heidi Fest Pt 1- The Gift of Freedom

My hubby has decided that the week prior to me turning the big 3-0 should involve a number of events to celebrate my birthday. He has entitled the week "Heidi Fest"(he's cute isn't he?). I have been given strict instructions to accept all invitations given to me-lol-sounds scary huh?However, if last night was any indication of what is to come it's going to be good.

Last night-Heidi Fest Pt 1: The Gift of Freedom, was an evening out on the town to do with as I wished. The night kicked off with a pedicure! yea! I spent the first hour and 15 minutes having my feet soaked, scrubbed, buffed and polished. I was nearly asleep by the time they told me that I wasn't to wear socks or shoes for the next 2 HOURS!!! --what! no socks or shoes for 2 hours! isn't that something they should mention when you book a pedicure! for all of us novices (there are others out there too I'm sure!) a little preamble during the booking would have been nice (but less funny in the long run I suppose).

I had planned on doing some Christmas shopping, get a Starbucks etc. as it was my evening of freedom. Shopping without 2 small babies hanging on you, needing diaper changes etc. can be quite enjoyable. Now I was left to shuffle through the mall in flimsy spa flip flops sporting beautifully manicured Burgundy red piggies in the dead of winter with a winter coat and scarf on, Starbucks in hand. Perhaps I needed a touch more humility before 30? Perhaps it's a sign that I really am getting older when I don't head home or cower in a corner. Perhaps it is a sign I am cheap when the cost of the pedicure keeps me from just putting my shoes on and risking the paint job outweighing any possible embarrassment.

Ahh I did get a few stares, but had a great time, wandering around, stopping to chat with everyone I knew--and yes they were all out last night--with little care for the time, or the needs of anyone else, accomplishing little on the Christmas list or otherwise but not responsible for anyone but myself. Blissfully happy and at the same time overly aware that my two little dollies were home in bed, thinking of their beautiful faces, seeing babies and thinking of mine...ah children, how they change your outlook on everything.

I arrived home, spread out this years accumulated Christmas cheer on the floor and Chad and I wrapped the Moncton bound gifts to take with us this weekend. We talked about Christmas and gift giving, the trap of buying for your children, the fight to stay out of the madness and large pricetags. While out, I was in the line at Toys R Us and the lady in front of me was asked by the cashier if she wanted to donate $1 to the charity represented. The customer proceeded to go on a rant about the need to take care of ones own first (hundreds of dollars in video games were her purchase) to which the cashier agreed and said with things as tight as they are, no one should be expected to give to other things as well. I was overwhelmed at how wrong we have it.

I'm headed to Haiti in January and have been thinking about what I'd like to bring our sponsor child Michaela when I meet her. She is 4. She loves art, so I thought some art supplies were an obvious choice, but I also really wanted to give her a baby doll. I know how much Zoë loves hers and Zoë has so many, and Michaela probably doesn't have one. How many other children don't even have one doll, stuffed animal or special toy and my children can't even count all of theirs, and wouldn't miss half of them. But yet, when I am at home, with the Christmas loot all spread out on the floor to see, I see how little we've bought our daughters, who have everything they could possibly need, and I am still affected by the materialism with which we live. Maybe I need to run out and buy Eliya an.... do you think Zoë would like a.....Take care of our own first! our own are so well taken care of we don't have any idea what that statement even means. We can show love in so many ways, isn't that the point?

Despite this emotional thinking process, my evening was wonderful. Super bonus, the girls both slept through the night and until 7:30am!!

I am blessed!

~H

Cobocol, Haiti

As many of you know I am headed to Cobocol, (near Hinche) Haiti, January 12th. The next step in a project I am helping spearhead which will endeavor to connect the Fredericton Community with this Haitian Community (through World Vision) in the hopes of making sustainable, measurable differences in areas affected by poverty.

Many more updates will be coming from me, but here is a start. Some of you have asked, first where Haiti is (see left) in relation to New Brunswick and second where exactly Cobocol is in Haiti, as it does not appear on Google Maps etc. Here are a couple of maps helping you better locate where I will be.

We will be leaving January 12th and flying into the Capital of Haiti, Port-au-Prince, and then travelling 6 hours on the ground from there to Hinche, the community nearest the ADP (area development project).

We will stay for a the better part of a week, learning about the Community and their needs, resources, expertise and seeing how the projects are developing and hopefully gaining a sense or initial relationship and knowledge about how we might be best able to help this community become self sufficient. There are 19 communities within this one ADP.

I have specific interests in areas of mother/baby care (nutrition etc.) as well as education. I know that I can't possibly prepare myself for the change this is going to bring about in me, for the shock this is going to be to my Northern American perspective but I can honestly say I am so hungry for the reality check and hopefully a renewed and fervent desire to make a tangible difference.

I see Jesus

Incomprehensible conception. You CREATED.

Mystifying design of love.

God, I look and I see your awesome extravagance in bursts of sunset painted across the sky.

I breathe in the sweet scent of fresh renewal that comes following the spring rain.

I taste and I savor the explosion of a multitude of flavors.

God, I listen and I hear joyous, medicinal laughter bubbling up from young children’s voices.

I touch and I feel deep comfort in the embrace of a loved one.

And I know that you are God. And I know that you are good.

In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. (Psalm 102:25)

But God, my eyes are not blind, they are raped by slavery and injustice.

The putrid stench of poverty lies decaying in our streets.

Bitter battles rip and tear and destroy nations, families, marriages.

The agonizing cries of children resonate in our cities, our schools, our homes, our churches: lost, damaged, abused.

Empty arms long to be held, to be loved, to be comforted, to be protected: cherished.

And I can not help but ask, where are you God? where IS your good?

They are there: your hands, my hands, our hands

Offering food to the hungry,

Drilling wells for the thirsty

Providing clothes to the exposed,

They are building homes for the destitute

Stitching the wounds of the marred.

But what of their minds they are still distressed,

Their hearts are still fearful,

Their souls are still wounded,

And we are left with our efforts

Broken, weak, and vulnerable.

But I see Jesus

Reaching out HIS calloused hands to heal the sick,

His stable arms leading the blind,

His strength lifting up the crippled.

I see him stoop to bless the children and smile in their faces.

I see his arms stretched wide to embrace this fallen world as he is unjustly dying.

I see his nailed hands.

I see the damage inflicted in his risen flesh radiate hope and confidence

And I CANNOT stand,

I MUST kneel and raise my hands to worship.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners (Isaiah 61:1)

But through my thankful tears, my humble act of worship, one arm is driven to my side.

To my left, to my right, THEY are there and I MUST reach them.

One hand reaching up, one hand reaching out.

To know my Lord, to worship my God, is to defend the poor and needy, the weak, the fatherless, the oppressed.

Where are YOUR hands that heal, lend stability, give strength and lift up?

They are mine, they are yours, they are ours.

WE have been anointed to preach good news to the poor, to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed. (Luke 4:18)

Only then, will we truly see God.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Mathew 25:35-36

on motherhood...

never so exhausted, so "stretched"(yes I mean that in several different ways), so forced selfless, so full of love!

Motherhood-wow. This is really one of those things you just can't possibly "get" until you become a Mom yourself. And yes, of course you hear this your whole life, but it really becomes so true after you've been a Mom for little awhile and look back on your life. This isn't a badge of honour statement but just pure truth.

First of all, I am glad I had the privilege to live a little, finish my degrees, figure myself out a bit and get married to an awesome man before I had my girls. I think not only did I grow as a human into a person who had a starting point from which I'd like to raise my children, but I am less likely to resent them from holding me back from becoming some of the things I wanted to be, do or see.

Having said that I can't help but wonder lately if I'd had my daughters when I was younger if I wouldn't be a much better person approaching 30 then I am now.

I have yet to figure out how to "plan"a pregnancy. Both of my girls, although my biggest God given gifts, were not planned, and I could argue, although I won't, not in MY plans at all. I became pregnant for Zoë just as my teaching career was beginning to come together and aspirations for that perfect little home, world travelling adventures and major student loan payments were beginning to take root in my brain and become legitimate possibilities. I was in major shock and thought a lot about HOW or even IF I COULD be a good Mom. I remember staring at my stomach moving and thinking "alien!!"

Even when I became pregnant for Eliya, my second child, I didn't feel like I was ready to be pregnant again or have another child. I was just thinking I might be beginning to get my feet under me with a toddler and the new experiences she brought to my daily life. Although some women seem to embrace pregnancy I think I think too much and I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it and that seems to drive me crazy!

One of my dear friends did ask me when I was freshly pregnant with Eliya and hadn't told a soul yet other than Chad, "why have children? why bring them into this corrupted and hurtful world? Is it purely selfish, for the joy they bring to your life, for carrying on your legacy?" I thought about it a lot and resolved that children are God's hope for the world, they are HIS plan to better the world, they are his precious gift to the world, to the family. I truly believe that my girls will change the world. I felt that this baby I was carrying, that no one even knew of yet, would have this hope within him/herself and would evoke this hope in others...there began the struggle to find a name we liked that meant hope!

Even still the night before I went in to have Eliya I was on the phone with my Mom bawling, like a baby myself, certain I couldn't possibly have any more love in my heart for another baby. I loved Zoë so all inclusively! But I was soon to find out there IS more, there is more love for this one, more, different, amazing love.

As many mothers will tell you, the evening came for each of them when I was rocking them, watching them sleep, overwhelmed with the love welling up inside of me, astounded at the emotion that comes from staring your little one in the face. There aren't words to describe this feeling, although the writer in me has certainly tried of course. The best way I can describe it is that through no act of my own it now feels like my girls hold my heart in their hands. Unintentionally, but willingly my heart beats for them.

My heart hurts like it has never hurt before for them, it fills with immeasurable joy like it has never been filled before, for them. If I had only known, as a young adult, this wordless truth, I would have never questioned my mothers' love for me, I could never have walked away when things were difficult. But alas, we can't live our lives backwards can we? I remember telling my Mom after I'd had Zoë, "If I'd only known Mom, I never would have questioned."

I have been forced into self denial time and time again whether because of sickness, or feedings, falls or even needed hugs and cuddles. I have had to put my own ambitions aside and just sit on the floor and colour. I have felt useless and unproductive as my child rips through the one thing I managed to accomplish that day-folded laundry. I have felt so isolated, day in day out attempting to be housemaid, super mommy and sexy wife. There have been so many times when I have desperately needed a few quiet moments, a bubble bath or a the intangible nap and felt the frustration mounting inside of me as there just wasn't time for me, it has seemed there was no "me".

But I am learning that what makes me a fabulous Mom, isn't my clean floors (get over it folks they're just going to pee on them as soon as you finish scrubbing), or the folded laundry (it will be dirty again by tomorrow), or even baking the most fantastic birthday cake by scratch, it is that they have my heart. That THIS love is theirs, and no one else can give them this.

I have learned, even just two years into being a Mom, about the absolute necessity of touch, for children, for adults and myself. That dancing like a lunatic in the livingroom with your two year old, was in God's ultimate plan. That your child's first smiles will make you believe you can do anything. That the satisfaction of successfully breastfeeding your child and knowing they are getting the best nourishment possible is worth any seeming torture you may have to get through to get there. That your child's first giggles come straight from heaven. That you would walk through fire for them, not by choice but instinct. That rocking a peacefully sleeping baby restores the weary. That little hands caressing your cheek, holding your hand, reaching up for you, ligitimizes your very existence.

I FEEL deeper, love more fully, share joy more willingly, laugh more heartily, am more sensitive and compassionate to others needs. I really VALUE LIFE... and I can't help but wonder if I'd had my babies when I was younger, wouldn't I be a much better person now?

things are movin' now

well I started my round of shots today to prepare me for my trip to Haiti in January. It is hard to believe that after years of praying and exhausting areas, having no clue what to pursue, where to pursue, endless frustrations, things are finally starting to come together. And yet I have no idea how this trip is going to potentially change my life. What does God have in store for Haiti, for Fredericton, for me?

I'm asking

I have really been impressed lately with a specific prayer for me and my family this coming 2010, it seems confirmation is everywhere. God is good, He has always guided me when I have seriously asked. I'm asking.

Psalms 25:4-5

⁴ Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
⁵ Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZfsxydxEXA

thriving...not just living

written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. it is the most-requeste column I've ever written."

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's ok to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
    
17. Get rid of aything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, the go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In 5 years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your buisness.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who Go is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

yes, it's beem ages...

motherhood is certainly all encompassing and somehow there is little time for writing. yet without it I don't feel as centered. so here's hoping.

on saying Goodbye...

Cherished friends Heidi & Doug are moving away to Halifax this week and it’s got me thinking. We had them in for supper Saturday night and after they left I just couldn’t get to sleep. I thought of so many things…and my inability to say goodbye.

My mind was jumping all over the place as I attempted to fall asleep, very unsuccessfully, and I knew I needed to get up and “write it out” of me, but I also knew Zoë could get up at any hour and I NEEDED to get to sleep. But these thoughts have been lingering around in the recesses of my cloudy mind this week and I thought I’d grab a minute and get them out.

Being my over thinking self, I’ve even thought back to the first time I really remember saying goodbye. It was to Lester, my grade 1 boyfriend. My first kiss. Lester and I hung out all the time, playing ball on the front lawn as my neighbourhood girlfriends jeered at us from across the street, making mudpies and sneaking kisses behind the trailer in my backyard. I honestly remember very little more about Lester than that, other than he had blond hair, shaved close to his head and his Dad was in the army.

I remember walking to the end of the block (I wasn’t allowed to cross the street) and watching him run through the field to his house, and knowing I’d never see him again. His Dad had been posted somewhere else. I remember feeling something strange…but I didn’t have a word to describe it.

The next time I really remember saying Goodbye was in high school. I had become extremely close to my youth leader Christy, she was the big sister I had always wanted and I adored her. She and her husband left to go to Nova Scotia to Pastor at a church there and I was heart broken. I truly believed we would stay close, I would visit, we would be in constant contact but with the long distance time constraints, her busy life with a husband and then a newborn baby, it didn’t happen. I wrote letters, and made phone calls, she promised to do the same but it didn’t happen. I remember the night I realized whatever I had thought we had had was different now, over. I had called her long distance later in the evening, she had a 3 month old colicky baby and she didn’t have time to talk to me. She told me she’d call back as soon as she got him off to bed. I waited by the phone, she didn’t call.
My Mom came into my bedroom several times telling me I needed to go to bed, but I refused, believing she would keep her word and call. Finally around midnight, it became apparent she wasn’t going to call, and for the first time in over a year since she had left, it sunk in to me that I was the one trying to hold on to a relationship that didn’t really exist. I remember feeling something strange…but I didn’t have a word to describe it. I sobbed so hard I made myself sick that night.

Then it was going off to University. Again, when everyone was tearful and clingy as we made decisions to go our separate ways, I wasn’t. I was excited about a new tomorrow, an exciting future. It wasn’t until months had past and I was sick and lonely and scared, that I started to long for what I had with my old friends. But things were different, things and people had changed, we had moved on, I felt something strange, but I didn’t have a word to describe it….but I hadn’t said goodbye…

I can honestly say I made my way through my tumultuous years of university without making any lasting close friendships. I dated a bit, was friendly in classes, but scared for some reason, of really getting close to anyone, letting anyone know the real me, would they like me? I didn’t know how to do it, it felt dangerous somehow. As intimate relationships and closeness petered out of my life I became more and more desperate for it and would do completely unreasonable things to try and attain it. How I hurt others, how I hurt myself and remained alone, so desperate for connection.

Then in walked Heidi. She started on as supervisor at the Drycleaner where I was working solely to fund my drinking while I went to school. I remember, I always wore a ball cap then, lurking behind it, some sort of protection I guess. Before showing up for my shift one day I made a particularly distressed walk downtown, I arrived still distressed to work. She walked up to me and flipped my visor on my cap, I don’t remember what she said to me but I remember the look in her eyes, she really looked at me. If I’d only known that gesture was only the beginning of exposing myself to someone and becoming open to receive love again.

I watched her intensely. Daily people would come in and she would have meaningful conversations with them, she would really talk to them about the things going on in their lives, she would joke and laugh and tease… she interested me. Of course I had no idea she was a Christian or I would have likely written her off altogether. She and Doug invited me over to their house for supper one night, I don’t know why I accepted. I remember on the drive out to their place questioning my sanity, wondering if I should ask to be let out on the side of the road… and that began a long journey for me, back to God, toward friendships, to my husband and my gift, Zoë.

I have since attempted and made strides towards authentic relationships, Chad proving so immensely trustworthy with “myself”. All parts, even then ones I hate or find shameful straight up from the beginning he wanted nothing less and loved me inspite, despite and for, it all. Often I’ve not realized the potential some of the relationships in my life had, because of my own fear and insecurities until they too moved on. I remember going out for coffee with Krista before she headed off to Newfoundland. We talked and laughed, I dropped her off at her apartment and said goodbye, after all I hadn’t know her all that well and we’d just started hanging out a bit that past year. Pulling out of the driveway it happened again, that feeling so hard to describe and I cried for a friendship I hadn’t been brave enough to pursue.

How scary it is to bare yourself, your not-always-so-pretty-self for someone to accept or reject, but how freeing to be accepted, as is, no strings or expectations attached, just loved.

How do you say goodbye to the person who sat on the end of the church pew so you could hide in the middle of the row Sunday after Sunday? Who let you cry such snotty cries all over her suede vest? Who introduced you to music that would challenge you to change while you smoked pack after pack of cigarettes?

What do you say to the people who let you sleep more nights on their living room couch, then you did in your own apartment? Who taught you that if you ate enough seasalt chips and drank enough Pepsi you could let out an amazing belch? Who made you suffer through endless reruns of All in the Family? Who pushed your hair out of your face when you tried to hide behind masses of curls?

How do you say goodbye to the people who walked over to get you and bring you back to their place on a rainy Christmas eve so you wouldn’t spend it alone. Who forgave you after you lied and manipulated and hurt them in a desperate attempt to be needy enough they wouldn’t leave you? Who knew when they needed to let go and let God have His way in your life? Who were so honest and real and unpretentious, God’s love and availability for those who wanted Him was evident in their everyday?

Where are the words to describe your feelings for the people who love you despite it all. Who know where you’ve been, what you’ve done, and see what God is doing and accept you through it all? The people you can just “be” around, and know it’s ok, they don’t expect anything else. How do you tell these people you’ve taken for granted… Goodbye?

I don’t mean to be dramatic. I know we’ll stay in contact. I know the emails, the pictures will continue. But I also know it will be different now. The doorbell won’t ring and Heidi be standing there to take my crying baby from my arms so I can take a shower. I won’t walk through Kingsplace and see Doug having a coffee and sit down and in an instant have a deep conversation about something meaningful. I won’t be able to call Heidi up and just drop by and go for a walk. I won’t be able to look over on a Sunday morning and see them there worshiping the God that gave me life, gave them new life. They are my family, and now it will be different.

I AM excited to see what God has in store for them as they head out. I am so comforted to know that God has their best interest and future in His plans as they follow Him, and that His plans are even better, yes much better than what mine might be for them.

So instead of Goodbye, when the words just won’t come… can I say thank you? Thank you for being a part of my life. For walking with me this far. Thank you for seeing the good in me when it was really hard to see, and for sticking it out long enough to see the good and God living in me, in my life, my husband, my baby girl. Thank you.

Reflections on My First Mother's Day

Well I guess it's official, I'm a real mother having made it through my first Mother's Day, lol.

Actually the day started off really well with the sun shinning and Zoë NOT screaming as I got ready for church. Of course I put her in the sweetest little pink dress she owns and she cooperated fully, sometimes I think she likes playing dress up, she certainly loves being told she's beautiful! Anyway a great start to a Sunday when they are usually quite hairy! There's this little hat that goes with Zoë's dress and overcoat and it just makes me want to cry with happiness when I put it on her, she's so gorgeous! (I've got to add that my unruly mane was actually somewhat cooperative for a change too!)

We actually arrived at church early and I didn't have to feed her (she must be growing up a bit)and we even had time to socialize a bit.

Pastor Verner had a really interesting sermon comparing Mother's Day, Mother's birthing pains and adoration for her child to the birthing of the church on the Day of Pentecost and God's feelings towards His church. I'd never heard it put this way before and I found it really interesting.

There was also time in the service to reflect on being a Mom. I've got to say I'm still in awe at the depth of feeling that accompanies being a Mom. I've never felt so deeply before. When I catch her smile, or make her laugh her belly laugh, when she's sleeping or reaches out for me, when she's sucking on her toes, or playing in her bath, even crying and fussing, when I'm feeding her or playing with her I'm overwhelmed at the depth of feeling that swells in my heart, and then I'm even more overwhelmed to think that someone ever felt that way for me, my Mom. It's funny how differently you view your Mom after you become one yourself. I guess one of the things I didn't realize before Zoë (and was so worried about when I was pregnant) was that what makes you a great Mom has nothing to do with all these ideals of motherlyness (gentleness, cleanthliness, unselfishness) but simply that you love your child with all of your being. What relief as this comes so naturally, so much so that it even shocks you at the depth of feeling you suddenly have for this little person.

We came home after church after attempting to put feelings for our dear friends Heidi & Doug into a few words for a video clip, and we took a couple of pictures, how could we not when Zoë looked so adorable! Then I gave my Mom a call and wished her a Happy Mother's Day as Chad took to the grill to prepare me a fantastic Mother's day dinner or yummy sticky ribs, fries & salad.

Chad headed in to evening service and Zoë and I hung out, played a bit, read some books, gave her her bath and put her to bed. As the evening wound down I read a few more chapters in the book I'm reading "Boundaries", this book is really changing how I look at relationships, putting words to thought's I'd had, and giving me confidence to make changes in my life and relationships, I highly recommend it!

Anyway a great Mother's day, I hope it was go for you other mother's as well.

A Perfect Day

So I'll admit yesterday was a bit hairy. Busy running, cleaning, emotional, screaming Zoë as I attempt to get out the door, Marriage Course...it was full on, but today, today was perfect. Albeit Zoë woke up at 6am and not her usual happy 7am (better than yesturday's 4:30am though), but she settled in for a feed and stayed in bed until 9:30am, oh bliss! We got up (I had pumpkin pie for breakfast--oh yum!) and got ready for the day. She played while I showered and got ready instead of screaming as has been her habit lately, and then I got her ready in her cutest little sundress and matching bonnet and we were off to meet Daddy for lunch. Chad worked straight today with Flood relief, meetings and doing the Bible Study tonight so Zoë and I met him for a quick picnic lunch. How she adores him! Me too, I've got such a great guy--blessings, blessings, abundent blessings...

After lunch Zoë and I headed up to the Mall. I had a list of 5 things I wanted to pick up and walked around kind of numb in the head and only managed to pick up 2. It wasn't until I got home that I realized all I'd forgotten. Zoë has needles tomorrow so I guess I'll have to do some extra running around. Anyway, that didn't bother me too much.

We came home and I gave Zoë another feed before we headed out to the garden. I've been wanting get in there for days. I don't pretend to have a clue what I'm doing, but I'm so hopeful and excited when ANYTHING grows! So I put Zoë in her bumbo chair on the lawn with some toys and I got to digging up weeds! I'm amazed at how deep some of those roots can go! I'm exited to report a good smattering of lillies are coming up, my bleeding heart has revived from the dead, I see a bit of growth in my miniture rose bush, that yellow flowering bush thing is in full bloom and there are a couple other patches of obvious growth, but I don't have a clue what was planted there. Best of all though, Chad's Grammie Billington's peonise (however you spell THAT) is coming!! I'm so excited and desperately hope it blooms this year!

We spent over an hour and a half digging around and Zoë was telling her stories at the top of her lungs! It was hilarious as neighbors dropped by to see what she was talking about. Her face, of course so expressive as she ranted on about something or other.

We played a bit tonight before her bath, how she loves her bath and sucking her toes, the whole while expressing choruses of "Da da, Da da..." her favorite and first word (with the exception of when she says what sounds so much like hallelujah, LOL).

As my little darling is fast asleep, I think I'm going to make myself some warm milk and read or journal a bit until Chad gets home. What a beautiful day.

Well it’s May 01 and I’m back. Or at least going to try. My amazing little girl finally arrived in November 07 and I am in love. Never have I known love like this. As I rocked her in my arms one night last December I called my Mom and said “Mom, I know you can’t live your life backwards, but if I had known growing up that you loved me like this, like how I love Zoë, I never could have questioned it.”

How I adore her, how my life has changed. I realize now, I had been so concerned I was to selfish to love someone else enough to be a parent, but it’s not that I am no longer selfish, I just suddenly care about someone else’s well being so much more than my own.

I look for her smile first thing in the morning, her laugh is music to my heart, her babblings light up my day. Does everyone love their children as much as I love my Zoë?

Baby B at 39 weeks

39 weeks!! This was totally amazing. As the technician was taking the measurements, all of a sudden up comes Baby B's face, here it looks a little distorted, but it was yawning & pouting, and looked soo cute! She was amazed we saw anything that clearly too! You could tell the eyelids were closed, and it had this little upturned nose and was sooo pouting...ah the Carson pout makes it to another generation! LOL! Of course you have to be so fast to get the pic and things had shifted before she got to take this one, but I still thought it was really neat!

Chad keeps grabbing his cheeks now and squishing them together saying "Mommy it's squishy in here! I want out!" LOL! I think he's trying to convince the baby, I'm certainly ready! :)

We can't wait to meet you little one!

The Waiting Game

So I'm stuck in the waiting game. What a huge loss of control the last few weeks of pregnancy is! I mean pregnancy itself is just this major transition time, but towards the end when you realize you have absolutly no control of when this baby may decide to show up....wow, that is loss of control! I mean whether I'm driving Chad in to work in the morning, washing dishes, going for a walk, having people in, doing the regular typing for work...I never know, could this be the day? Sometimes I wonder if Baby B is ever going to come, then I think, oh my gosh we're going to have a baby and be PARENTS! We can't be parents! We're not mature enough to be parents (everyone assures me we're definilty old enough, so I guess it's the maturity issue that is bigger!) We're too selfish to be parents! Is it a boy? is it a girl? It he or she healthy? Will he or she be happy? So much not knowing! It's freaky, but it's exciting! You're not sure you can do it, yet you're ready--bring it on!

So what do we do with all this going on swirling around inside our minds? we wait...we wait because the nursery is ready, the house is clean, the bags are packed and waiting at the door, 78 servings of food are frozen and waiting in the freezer, grandparents are waiting for the phone to ring...we wait knowing that we have no control over when our lives are going to suddenly and unimaginably take this drastic and dramatic change forever.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was just what the doctor ordered for me! Honestly I was getting really close to the end of myself. People don't realize that attending church all day on Sunday, and running into people we know everywhere we go in Fredericton day in and day out and having them rub the belly, feel the belly, ask the same questions, comment on how massive you are, everyone needing a piece of you, it can really REALLY get to a person. Why anyone would ever think it was a good idea to ever comment on how "HUGE" a person was, pregnant or non, I really have no clue but for some reason pregnancy gives people amazing allowances in their minds for being rude! I've really thought about writing a book, maybe a handbook for pregnant women to give out "Things not to say to Pregnant Women". I recognize that I probably get more of it than maybe the average pregnant lady because we know so many people, but REALLY, it's a bit much! Could make the best person seriously contemplate hermithood!

So like I was saying, Thanksgiving couldn't come quick enough. Chad has been so busy with work, it seems he really hasn't stopped since the Easter rush began last year, that he was able to take 2 extra days. So Thursday we went to our doctors appointment and did a few errands in town before heading out to Moncton. Arriving in Moncton we did a little shopping and I got some pj's for the hospital and then we met Mom & Dad for supper at Heinz's Restaurant (where they make GREAT milkshakes!). Mom was very excited because for a week she'd been teasing me with some suprise she had for me. But of course she made me wait until after supper, we drove all the way to Elgin and got home!

She & Dad had bought me an early birthday/just because gift. She'd been concerned as the weather was getting colder that I was going to freeze as most of my clothes don't fit so well right now (for some reason ;)) Anyway, they bought me this gorgeous coat/cape thing. It isn't necesarily a maternity coat, but because of the way it is made I can wear it now and after Baby B is born. I LOVE it! It's neat and different and I was due a dressier coat anyway.

Friday we slept in. In the mountains of Elgin, it is so quiet, and there is little to do, so we slept, much needed sleep too! When I finally did get up I had a long bath in Mom and Dad's jacuzzi tub. I've got to say there is something wonderful about not having to squash yourself into a regular small tub when you're 9 months pregnant! I stayed in at least until my fingers and toes were wrinkly! Then Chad & I drove down to the Elgin country Store where we had a nice lunch and were the talk of the town --who are they? LOL! Fun! I got my hair trimmed up by the local hairdresser and then we went home and I took a nap! Pretty exciting eh! It was wonderful! We made some supper, watched a little t.v. and hit the sac. Wonderfully uneventful.

Saturday we woke up a tad earlier and Dad & Chad went down to the Elgin country breakfast--LOL! They had quite the massive feed! Mom started her thanksgiving cooking. Pies, turkey, coleslaw, pickles, rolls---gosh I don't even know where to begin. Mostly I just watched, Mom's got a method in the kitchen! When Chad & Dad got home from breakfast they both took a nap, I guess all that eating exhausted them! :) I never see Chad sleep like he does in Elgin, it always makes me a little nervous thinking something is wrong with him or something. He slept for over 2 hours! I think he must play catch up for the rest of the year when we go up there! After supper we went over to April & Trevor's to check out the log cabin they made-it is really really cool, what a ton of work!

Sunday we went in to the Elgin Church for service. It was nice for a different Sunday flavor, but I do love ours! In the afternoon Mom continued her cooking craze and my Uncle Merle came over to visit, I hadn't seen him in quite a while. Adam, Angela & Kaitlyn arrived, then April & Trevor (unfortunatly Trevor got a migrane and was really sick) and we headed down for our Thanksgiving tradition before supper. This involves a little bit of hiking, but nothing was keeping me back from being a part of it, hard to believe that next year Baby B will be nearly 1 and coming along too! Anyway, I think I overdid it a bit because I ached so uncomfortable that evening I could hardly enjoy thanksgiving dinner. I did find out the benefits of heating pads though---ahhhhh, heat! We're bringing that along to labour & delivery.

Monday we got up and played with Kaitlyn, who is such a doll and took our time getting on the road after hot turkey sandwhiches, honestly one of my favorite things about turkey dinner! 5 days away was just what the doctor ordered! We took the longer drive home along the river and stopped off at the Big Potatoe and bought some cookies-- we were hunting or cucumbers. Came home and Chad was so rested he cleaned out the shed! I even came back feeling somewhat close to sanity. Nothing like hiding out in the mountains where cell phones don't work, and there is nothing to do but listen to the quiet to replenish a girls soul!

Baby B's Room

Baby B's Room Complete!

Last night after Chad got off from work we headed up to Houlton to pay on the bill, and pick up the rest of the items we'd purchased for the Baby's nursery. Well actually we were able to pick up those items because the people at the church were so generous at our Baby shower. I was so excited to get it home and set up!

It was 10:00pm by the time we got home, we'd stopped for supper and to get cheepo US of A turkeys too, but we took at it. Well actually I think Chad thought we were just going to do the easy things and not the things that took assembly & drills (well he probably figured we were going to do everything, but was hoping I'd let him go to bed) but of course that was not the case. I did pout a tiny weeny bit (I honestly think he wanted to see it all together too) and we stuck it out till midnight putting the finishing touches on the baby's room.

I LOVE IT!! it is so cute! I will take some pictures later and be sure to post them! It was so weird! as soon as we put the mattress in the crib it was like I suddenly realized we were going to be putting a baby in there! Going to pack the bags for the hospital tonight, just in case Baby B decides to make an early visit, and we're as set as we're going to be!