Chad gave an interesting thought or two tonight at the prayer concert at church. He talked about 2006 being a canvass. He asked us if we were to paint our year what it would look like. I did some thinking about 2006, of course with the much of the rest of the world the New Year brought some contemplation on my part. I realized that 2006 had a lot of dark and lonely spots for me. I often felt like I was alone and unseen. Not that people didn’t see me, or weren’t watching me, but worse, that people were seeing me, but that I, the real me, was unseen. It was a really lonely year in many ways. I longed for someone to just sit with me and “see” me, but I didn’t know how to ask for it, or who to ask it from.
There were major moments of fear and concern when my niece Kaitlyn got so sick and was in the hospital for a few weeks. I had a new understanding of the heartache involved when a little one you love is so sick. My heart broke with fear and helplessness and she wasn’t even my daughter.
I felt fear when my sister Angela was in a terrible car crash and amazement when I realized how God had protected her, that her walking away from the scene was a miracle in itself. I realized in a new way how much I love my sisters and would do anything to help them and protect them.
I realized this year that more of me than I realized was wrapped up in my work defining who I am. Since I was 15 I’ve always been working a couple of jobs and studying and for the first time I was just waiting on a phone call for supply work. This was so remarkably hard on me, and surprised me immensely.
At the same time, there were many bright spots on my canvass. I finished school and graduated, which was a huge accomplishment, I had gone back and regardless of situation, persevered and finished my degree, making a dream reality. I flew for the first time, another dream come true, and dipped my toes in the Pacific which was very exciting! I had a couple really big “God moments” where I was given new understanding from God about how I was in His will, and He was taking even the mistakes of my life and turning them together for His plan for me. I completed my first attempt at a Novel, and got my first job as a teacher.
So what of 2007, what will that canvass look like? Honestly I am glad I don’t know, good and bad it is best to take things day at a time, often that is more than enough I have found. I hope to have a better and more secure feeling of self, I got a little lost last year and I found that really hard. I hope to strengthen and build my marriage with Chad, I long for some exciting adventures, and to spend time building deeper relationships with my family members and friends, making them more of a priority. But more than all of this I want to pursue more of God, more regular time with Him, listening and waiting and reading His word, and seeing him more in my everyday.
So 2007 here we go. May the love and power, strength and grace of God sustain us, build us, challenge and refresh us in this upcoming year.
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